The best part about having a backyard that is not landscaped has proven to be for the use of sledding. We bundled up in our best attempt at snow gear and made use of the freshly padded hills behind our house.
M turned icicles into a treat! - which I must say I prefer to him eating
I don't know if there will ever really be closure, other than the day I hug him in heaven. But a few weeks back I went to counseling and it was suggested to me that we name the baby. It has been amazing how naming the baby has eased the pain. Somehow it has wrapped up the tiny little bundle in all our love. Making it so that he was no longer a nameless thing, but my boy. My precious little man that I will only know the other side of this life.
And so we have named him Ian Jeffrey. Ian meaning "God is Gracious".
As we pray for another child and live with the loss that feels so fresh in our hearts, we must remember that GOD IS GRACIOUS.
Trying to keep perspective this morning. Taking a shower and mourning the loss of my precious little life. It happens briefly from time to time. Rather than dwell in the pain and aching heart, I have been trying to replace my thoughts. This morning it was a matter of perspective.
The last couple years have been full of extreme ups and downs, and at times more overwhelming than I thought that my heart could bare, but God has faithfully seen me through. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in a downward thought spiral, poor me I lost a baby, poor me I have had failing health, poor me I have battled depression and anxiety, poor me...
But in reality JOYFUL am I - I lose sight of the fact that I am on borrowed time.
Nearly 10 years ago now I went to the urgent care complaining of a side cramp. I NEVER went to the doctor, let alone for a cramp, but I found myself there. The doctor discovered a large mass under the right side of my rib cage and sent me for an immediate CATscan. The results were shocking. I had a mass that was the size of my entire abdomen. The first doctor said it could require a full hysterectomy - I got a second opinion. I was getting married in 4 months - I wanted a family. Surgery was required and ASAP.
I was scared. I remember laying my head on my mom's lap and just sobbing, "I don't want to die." I had never had surgery before and this seemed like a big deal. Since they didn't really know what was going on it was terrifying. Mom brushed her hand over my head and said, "Angelina, you are not going to die, God has plans for you." I believed her.
I remember waking up from the anesthesia, Jeff and my parents and his parents by my side. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me that they had taken my left ovary. WAIT! NO!..my insides screamed. I knew they were taking my right one but my left one too. Later I found out that the mass they felt up under my right ribs was attached to my left ovary. It was 5 pounds and full. They said it was like a large orange. They had to make an incision from my belly button to my pubic area to pull it out and it almost didn't fit. But there was more news. There had been a cyst on my other ovary as well and they had to take part of that too. We were 20 years old, barely, and were going to have to start trying got get pregnant as soon as we were married since there was only a 20% chance we could conceive and odds were fertility treatments would be needed.
Then the doctor looked at my mom and I and told us the pathology came back. The cyst they removed was full of cancer. Had it leaked or burst I would have died. The doctor said I would have died within the next year had it not been found. That meant before my 21st birthday.
And here I sit. Typing on my borrowed time. God has a plan for me. Jeff and I have been able to conceive 5 times and have 3 beautiful children. I have been given a new life and family on time I may never have had. There is no poor me! Only THANKFUL me! BLESSED me! Me who needs to keep perspective and be thankful for this day, because it may never have been.
So at our house - there has been sickness for a few days. High fevers, coughs and runny noses. Just when I thought the fevers were gone, they would spike again. One time reaching 106.8 - well that one time being last night. So I loaded up the two little sickies and took them to the ER. J and M both got nose swabs for the flu and chest x-rays.
The doc came back and said, "Well neither one has the flu. BUT.. both have pneumonia." So they were prescribed antibiotics and sent home. I knew they must have been miserable because they put themselves down for naps yesterday AND they were so well-behaved at the hospital. I got lots of compliments. I knew the lethargy and fevers were the cause of their quiet and sweet manner, but I just graciously accepted the compliments. Hey - I enjoyed my moment of looking like a great mom :D.
Anyway.. these are the faces of my sickly children.
And this one below, he is the one that did a work on my heart this morning. I sent all the children upstairs to do their morning chores. J cried (which I understand, she had a fever of 102). Her chores were simple, get her clothes on, make her bed, brush her teeth. It wasn't going to kill her - even though she acted like it was.
So after she came down and threw herself to the floor I told her she need to go to the corner and collect herself. L came down to check on her. I sent him back upstairs, very frustrated that he was still in his pajamas and none of his chores done. It had been like 15 minutes. I could feel my chest tighten with frustration. Sometimes dealing with sick kids overwhelms me. Why can't the healthy one just do what he is told and make my life easier? I spouted off some comments about my disappointment. He didn't respond, but just went about his chores.
When J was let off of time-out she went upstairs to find that her brother had made her bed and cleaned her room first. Here I was fuming at the fact that he was disobeying - when in reality he was serving. I was humbled and proud. What a sweet boy with a sweet heart.
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. " Proverbs 15:1 L had every right to defend himself against my accusations of being disobedient. He could have come back with a defense, but he was silent. He was respectful and he was creating peace in our home because he knew I was not.
I am humbled. He has been so good picking up the slack of the other kids' chores. Helping without complaint but swift "Yes Ma'ams" and a joyful willingness to help his brother and sister and I just expected it of him. I took those moments for granted instead of praising him. I very easily could have broken his helpful little spirit this morning. I offered my humbled apology and enthusiastic praise and recognition of his wonderful heart. Not but a few minutes later he was helping his sister and hugging his brother.
I am one proud mama.. and thankful the Lord uses my children to teach me, grow me, and cause me to search my heart. Why didn't I think to clean her room for her out of love? Why was I so quick to anger? Why do I ALWAYS justify myself when wrongfully (or rightly for that matter) accused of something instead of being silent?
Time to pray about some things! And praise God for the work He is doing in my son.
Today is anniversary that I wish I could forget. But I know that God's goodness will prevail. It is 2 months since I held my beautiful little boy in my hands. Since I cried that cry I never want to cry again. Yet I sit here in tears. The snotty tears, the kind that begin in my gut and and cause my whole body to tighten up with pain. I know God is good. I know God is faithful, but it hurts.
My sweet little ones feet were not nearly as big as these. They were but a fraction of an inch. They were still translucent and a soft. I got to touch them. I got to count the toes. I got see his ribs and hold him. I should have held him longer. I should have kissed him. But I didn't and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.
Today I am broken. I didn't expect it to hit me so hard. I didn't expect to cry so hard I can't breathe. So many women I know are pregnant and due around the same time I was and it tortures my soul. I am not saying I don't trust God - PLEASE don't be mistaken. I am just saying that I need prayer today. Thank you.
*As I finished typing this my daughter came to the top of the stairs and looked down at me. "Are you crying?" I couldn't answer. She ran to me. Threw her arms around me and held me. "We can pray God gives us a new baby mommy. It's okay." Her sweet little hands touch my face and brush my hair. "It's okay mommy. We will pray to God for a new baby. And if He doesn't give us one right now we will pray again. It's okay." She holds me he her little arms. I am blessed.
My heart aches as I replay conversations with friends I have had over the past few days. Life is hard. It has unexpected and almost unbearable moments. There is deep sorrow, agonizing pain, paralyzing fears, and crippling shame. Thankfully a sweet friend reminded me today that it is also SHORT!
In what will feel like no time passed we will be in eternity. A place for those who loved Jesus to be free of the troubles of this world. The pain of this world. The hurt of this world. This disappointment of this world. The hopelessness of this world. We will be in a place of wonder, peace, comfort, love, justice, HOLINESS. The troubles that are so pressing here, the ones that strangle us and choke the life out of us at times, will be no more.
The last year of my life has been chaos. A marriage in shambles and relationships broken, yet God restored. A baby so desperately wanted, to only be held in my hand for moments and then taken away, yet God restores. Anxieties so overwhelming that I couldn't function or breathe, and yet God restores.
Now I am in place of peace.. a place ONLY found in Him. Because I seek Him, because I cling to Him, because I realize how desperate I am for Him. In this place I have been praising Him for all the restoration in my life. Things only He can do!
Who can heal relationships that have shipwrecked? Who can mend hearts crushed by the devastation of losing a child? Who can calm the storms that rage within a person's soul? How are those things explained apart from the miraculous and loving hand of God?
The question I keep asking myself is one that I taught my kids in Sunday school this week. What am I going to do with my second chance(s)? How am I going to live out a life of thankfulness and gratitude? The answer I am finding is that I am going to continue to surrender. I need to surrender my thoughts, my wants, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my husband, my children, my friendships, my every moment to Christ. To be obedient in the big and the small. To TRUST God by actually trusting God. Not doubting that He is who He has proven Himself to be.
I need to step up my game. I am tired of Satan winning. I am tired of watching families be torn apart. I am tired of watching people I love be tormented by mind games that Satan plays. I am tired of watching Christians be paralyzed by complacency and comfort. I am tired of not being strong enough to make a difference. I am tired of not being who God made me to be because the world drowns out my passion and makes me weary with the hardships of this life.
This world is a blip when put in light of eternity. Too much is at risk for me to be passive anymore. Too much hangs in the balance for me to not take full advantage of my second chance. So I am going to be much more proactive about my faith. I WILL be on my knees - literally my knees - for the families that Satan is trying to pull apart. I WILL be on my knees for the sick in health and the sick in spirit. I WILL pray for those who don't have the strength to pray for themselves. I WILL be in the WORD daily.. because how can I adequately live out THANKS to Him if I don't spend TIME with Him.
AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED! Shame will cripple me NO MORE!
He has restored me for a purpose and I want to live out that purpose fully!
So I am not the world's greatest baker, or the most creative person, or even that good of a copycat. My friend Angel posted this on her blog and I wanted to give it a try. It came out decent.. not fabulous looking.. but I am pleased.
We went to Happy Apple today in hopes of coming home with some apples (call me crazy!). Turns out 3000 trees and not an apple on them.. poor guy had a bust crop. He did say however that he had the best seasons of berries ever BUT they were picked pretty bare. Sigh.. We put on our happy faces and gave it a shot. The kids thought it was awesome.. Jeff and I thought it was pretty sad. I think we may have gotten 20 berries total. They didn't charge us.
She had too many to count. :)
L took this pic. It is hard to smile and tell a 7yr old how to work a camera.. so not our best picture and sadly not our worst.
The "hayride" (which had no hay) was their favorite part. I am pleased that they are so easily pleased.
Me and my babies.
So they didn't go home bummed we got some ice cream and this is seriously how L watched the girl scoop it. Tongue out in all its glory.
My little, adorably red, booger liked his very much.
There was a break in the fencing near our home.
And two of the cows are having a taste of freedom.
One little guy kept toying with the idea of wandering over to our side, but would faithfully return to mama.
Our walls are naked, especially in the kids' rooms. So I searched the web for projects for the creatively challenged simple projects and found this tutorial. If I can do it .. well.. a blind monkey probably could as well.
This is my first one for J's room. I want to do one for each of the boys as well.
This photo was on Ann Voskamp's blog this morning. It resonates with my soul.
"He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit," Titus 3:5
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
"We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things." 1 John 3:19-20
Even when my heart condemns me, I have been forgiven much.
Behind our house kids ride quads, and leave tracks in the mud, and rain fills the tracks.
And life grows.
Since we have moved here it has become an obsession of my sweet boy to watch the tadpoles grow. He will be out there from morning until night. We researched the life cycle of frogs on the internet. He is passionate about it. Everyone who comes to visit he takes back there to show the kingdom of life he studies.
Mema bought him a habitat for tadpoles and frogs. This morning, when we were the only two awake I asked him if he wanted to go catch tadpoles to put in his aquarium. He ran to get ready. We walked out into the quiet morning and I let him do his work.
Of course the littles woke up eventually and had to come and see. It was a fun morning. Hopefully a few of the 4 he caught will live.
My heart hurts. It has been over 3 weeks and it still hurts. Four weeks ago I went for my 13 week checkup and discovered our precious little baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was there alone, my husband at work, and my kids with a friend. Tears streamed silently down my face as the doctor explained my options. The timing was awful; we were closing on our new house in 3 days and starting the moving process. I couldn’t be out of commission and leave my husband to do all the work. I told the doctor I would discuss it with my husband and get back to her, but that I would like to have a D&C, just not until after our move. So we planned to do the D&C in 8 days. The doctor felt that since the baby had passed away a week and a half prior, my body wouldn’t do anything before then.
We closed on our house, and the day was bitter sweet. The next morning we went over to the new house to put in fans and build a trampoline for the kids. I bent down to help hold a piece of trampoline in place and a gush of water came out. Weird, I thought, not understanding what was happening. I bent down again – just a few seconds later and a bigger gush. “I just peed” I told my husband and ran to the bathroom. There was another gush of water and then…. it laid there. A tiny, lifeless body. I held it and started screaming. I didn’t know what to do. It was a scream that came from the depths of my soul.
A little one laid on the palm of my hand. Head to toe he (I’m pretty sure) fit perfectly in my palm. He had eyes, a nose, a mouth. All 10 fingers and toes. He was perfect..
I bled.. a lot. I thought it was normal. Turns out when I went to the hospital it wasn’t normal. I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know it. Nurses went in and out of the room. The doctor did her work. I felt like I was going to die… my arms went numb my legs went numb. I started to lose consciousness. Jeff held my hand and I was afraid. Nurses cried. I cried.
Jeff had handed over the baby when we got there. I should have held it more. Talked to him. Prayed over him. But I was in shock. My mom had come down to watch the kids and my friend Anastasia had sat with me and cried and encouraged me before I had left for the hospital. My mom prayed over him, I had just cried.
My husband has been amazing. He holds me when I cry and loves me in between. Some days are harder than others, but I’m still not healed. It still hurts.. like my heart my actually break inside my chest. My children know, and understand as much as you can when you are 7,5 and 4. They bring me joy and pray for me when I am sad. A few nights ago J wiped my tears and sat with me on my bed.
I want to have more energy and more joy, but I don’t right now. I am severely anemic from the birth and have to go and have iron administered through an IV this week. I trust God – FULLY AND COMPLETELY.. but it still aches. I don’t question why it happened, it isn’t my place to. I just trust. But it is an interesting mix of emotions, trust and agonizing pain. They don’t seem like they could co-exist but they do. I know God is good.
Our home :) Never mind the level of creepy I look in this picture, despite the excitement of buying the home I am going through a very rough time and just didn't manage to pull myself together very well. I would also like to draw your attention to little M.. who found his way into a cement/dirt puddle and peed his pants right before this picture was taken. Ugh - boys!
I am a woman in transition. Never to be who I was and excited at who I am becoming. As I embark on this rediscovery of faith, self, and life, I invite you in. Because maybe, just maybe, you get me. And maybe all this nonsense running around in my head connects with your heart. Welcome.
And this one below, he is the one that did a work on my heart this morning.
We went to Happy Apple today in hopes of coming home with some apples (call me crazy!). Turns out 3000 trees and not an apple on them.. poor guy had a bust crop. He did say however that he had the best seasons of berries ever BUT they were picked pretty bare. Sigh..
We put on our happy faces and gave it a shot. The kids thought it was awesome.. Jeff and I thought it was pretty sad. I think we may have gotten 20 berries total. They didn't charge us.
She had too many to count. :)
L took this pic. It is hard to smile and tell a 7yr old how to work a camera.. so not our best picture and sadly not our worst.
The "hayride" (which had no hay) was their favorite part. I am pleased that they are so easily pleased.
Me and my babies.
So they didn't go home bummed we got some ice cream and this is seriously how L watched the girl scoop it. Tongue out in all its glory.
My little, adorably red, booger liked his very much. 
And two of the cows are having a taste of freedom.
This photo was on Ann Voskamp's blog this morning. It resonates with my soul.
Behind our house kids ride quads, and leave tracks in the mud, and rain fills the tracks.
And life grows.
Since we have moved here it has become an obsession of my sweet boy to watch the tadpoles grow. He will be out there from morning until night. We researched the life cycle of frogs on the internet. He is passionate about it. Everyone who comes to visit he takes back there to show the kingdom of life he studies.
Mema bought him a habitat for tadpoles and frogs. This morning, when we were the only two awake I asked him if he wanted to go catch tadpoles to put in his aquarium. He ran to get ready. We walked out into the quiet morning and I let him do his work.
Of course the littles woke up eventually and had to come and see. It was a fun morning. Hopefully a few of the 4 he caught will live. 
Our home :)
Never mind the level of creepy I look in this picture, despite the excitement of buying the home I am going through a very rough time and just didn't manage to pull myself together very well.
My favorite room of the house
Our beautiful stair rail
The view from the side of our house :)
