An Anniversary

Today is anniversary that I wish I could forget.  But I know that God's goodness will prevail.  It is 2 months since I held my beautiful little boy in my hands.  Since I cried that cry I never want to cry again.  Yet I sit here in tears. The snotty tears, the kind that begin in my gut and and cause my whole body to tighten up with pain.  I know God is good.  I know God is faithful, but it hurts. 

My sweet little ones feet were not nearly as big as these.  They were but a fraction of an inch.  They were still translucent and a soft.  I got to touch them.  I got to count the toes. I got see his ribs and hold him.  I should have held him longer.  I should have kissed him.  But I didn't and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.

Today I am broken.  I didn't expect it to hit me so hard.  I didn't expect to cry so hard I can't breathe.  So many women I know are pregnant and due around the same time I was and it tortures my soul.  I am not saying I don't trust God - PLEASE don't be mistaken.  I am just saying that I need prayer today.  Thank you. 

*As I finished typing this my daughter came to the top of the stairs and looked down at me. "Are you crying?"  I couldn't answer.  She ran to me.  Threw her arms around me and held me. "We can pray God gives us a new baby mommy. It's okay." Her sweet little hands touch my face and brush my hair. "It's okay mommy. We will pray to God for a new baby.  And if He doesn't give us one right now we will pray again.  It's okay."  She holds me he her little arms.  I am blessed.