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Friday, September 23, 2011

An Anniversary

Today is anniversary that I wish I could forget.  But I know that God's goodness will prevail.  It is 2 months since I held my beautiful little boy in my hands.  Since I cried that cry I never want to cry again.  Yet I sit here in tears. The snotty tears, the kind that begin in my gut and and cause my whole body to tighten up with pain.  I know God is good.  I know God is faithful, but it hurts. 

My sweet little ones feet were not nearly as big as these.  They were but a fraction of an inch.  They were still translucent and a soft.  I got to touch them.  I got to count the toes. I got see his ribs and hold him.  I should have held him longer.  I should have kissed him.  But I didn't and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.

Today I am broken.  I didn't expect it to hit me so hard.  I didn't expect to cry so hard I can't breathe.  So many women I know are pregnant and due around the same time I was and it tortures my soul.  I am not saying I don't trust God - PLEASE don't be mistaken.  I am just saying that I need prayer today.  Thank you. 

*As I finished typing this my daughter came to the top of the stairs and looked down at me. "Are you crying?"  I couldn't answer.  She ran to me.  Threw her arms around me and held me. "We can pray God gives us a new baby mommy. It's okay." Her sweet little hands touch my face and brush my hair. "It's okay mommy. We will pray to God for a new baby.  And if He doesn't give us one right now we will pray again.  It's okay."  She holds me he her little arms.  I am blessed.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

He Restores

My heart aches as I replay conversations with friends I have had over the past few days. Life is hard. It has unexpected and almost unbearable moments. There is deep sorrow, agonizing pain, paralyzing fears, and crippling shame. Thankfully a sweet friend reminded me today that it is also SHORT!

In what will feel like no time passed we will be in eternity. A place for those who loved Jesus to be free of the troubles of this world. The pain of this world. The hurt of this world. This disappointment of this world. The hopelessness of this world. We will be in a place of wonder, peace, comfort, love, justice, HOLINESS. The troubles that are so pressing here, the ones that strangle us and choke the life out of us at times, will be no more.

The last year of my life has been chaos. A marriage in shambles and relationships broken, yet God restored. A baby so desperately wanted, to only be held in my hand for moments and then taken away, yet God restores. Anxieties so overwhelming that I couldn't function or breathe, and yet God restores.

Now I am in place of peace.. a place ONLY found in Him. Because I seek Him, because I cling to Him, because I realize how desperate I am for Him. In this place I have been praising Him for all the restoration in my life. Things only He can do!

Who can heal relationships that have shipwrecked? Who can mend hearts crushed by the devastation of losing a child? Who can calm the storms that rage within a person's soul? How are those things explained apart from the miraculous and loving hand of God?

The question I keep asking myself is one that I taught my kids in Sunday school this week. What am I going to do with my second chance(s)? How am I going to live out a life of thankfulness and gratitude? The answer I am finding is that I am going to continue to surrender. I need to surrender my thoughts, my wants, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my husband, my children, my friendships, my every moment to Christ. To be obedient in the big and the small. To TRUST God by actually trusting God. Not doubting that He is who He has proven Himself to be.

I need to step up my game. I am tired of Satan winning. I am tired of watching families be torn apart. I am tired of watching people I love be tormented by mind games that Satan plays. I am tired of watching Christians be paralyzed by complacency and comfort. I am tired of not being strong enough to make a difference. I am tired of not being who God made me to be because the world drowns out my passion and makes me weary with the hardships of this life.

This world is a blip when put in light of eternity. Too much is at risk for me to be passive anymore. Too much hangs in the balance for me to not take full advantage of my second chance. So I am going to be much more proactive about my faith. I WILL be on my knees - literally my knees - for the families that Satan is trying to pull apart. I WILL be on my knees for the sick in health and the sick in spirit. I WILL pray for those who don't have the strength to pray for themselves. I WILL be in the WORD daily.. because how can I adequately live out THANKS to Him if I don't spend TIME with Him.


AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED! Shame will cripple me NO MORE!
He has restored me for a purpose and I want to live out that purpose fully!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Love Fall

So I am not the world's greatest baker, or the most creative person, or even that good of a copycat. My friend Angel posted this on her blog and I wanted to give it a try. It came out decent.. not fabulous looking.. but I am pleased.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

What Makes Little Boys' Dreams Come True


Mema moved last year and brought over a box of books. This book was one of them. Who knew you could have hours of fun with paper? :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

A Bust Apple Picking

We went to Happy Apple today in hopes of coming home with some apples (call me crazy!). Turns out 3000 trees and not an apple on them.. poor guy had a bust crop. He did say however that he had the best seasons of berries ever BUT they were picked pretty bare. Sigh..
We put on our happy faces and gave it a shot. The kids thought it was awesome.. Jeff and I thought it was pretty sad. I think we may have gotten 20 berries total. They didn't charge us.
She had too many to count. :)
L took this pic. It is hard to smile and tell a 7yr old how to work a camera.. so not our best picture and sadly not our worst.
The "hayride" (which had no hay) was their favorite part. I am pleased that they are so easily pleased.
Me and my babies.
So they didn't go home bummed we got some ice cream and this is seriously how L watched the girl scoop it. Tongue out in all its glory.
My little, adorably red, booger liked his very much.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Freedom

There was a break in the fencing near our home.
And two of the cows are having a taste of freedom.
One little guy kept toying with the idea of wandering over to our side, but would faithfully return to mama.