The Prayer For Everyday

I'm not sure that I will even post this entry. It depends on if I can convey my heart or not.  I tend to over share to fulfill my need for transparency and yet hold back in the areas that I should really be sharing with others. Sometimes I feel like I am just mental and verbal jumble and all that comes out are the wrong things at the wrong times.  Or maybe it is more that I haven't been able to get my heart right for so long, that I don't know the right things to say anymore.

I've been struggling. A long struggle. Not as long as most and not as painful as others, but it is my struggle.  Losing Ian has been devastating. Still - today I can cry about it. I see his little feet and his little fingers in my mind.  I hold babies the age he would be if our Father had not decided to take him home, and there is a gut wrenching ache.  Duller than before. But just as real.

I allowed it to change me. I don't think I could have stopped it, even if I threw myself into complete denial, I would have been changed.  At first, it made me stronger. More determined to glorify the Lord in my pain, so that I could see how He carried me through once I was on the other side.  But the other side - hasn't come yet. And I lost that determination. And I had lost hope.  And I had lost perspective. And I had lost joy.  And I had lost my peace.

Depression and anxiety have plagued me. Day and night. Insomnia is a friend I can not cut ties with. I type this at 4:30AM having been up since 2. At first insomnia terrified me. Made my anxiety worse. It was the only goal of every waking day - to somehow find sleep at night.  So much so, that it became my idol. I have lost memories, joyful and playful times with my children,  because I have relentlessly pursued sleep.  That is the lamest sounding thing I have ever written.  But it is true.

I pray, I read the word, I trust... I stop.  I start over. There has been no true discipline in my spiritual life anymore. No rock foundation.  Not because God isn't there or because God isn't good, but because my focus has been so turned inward that I have been building everything on the shifting sand of my own emotions.

I have lost so many friendships simply because I stopped trying to maintain them.  I have had a husband who has literally had to hold everything together on his own for so long.  I can get myself out my funk for a few days.. maybe a few weeks.. and then I start to slip again.

Recently I reached a breaking point.  In August I got sick. On top of insomnia and depression, I came down with some funky parasite called Cryptosporidium. Google it.. I hadn't heard of it before either.  I guess it's a big deal.  You get it from some type of contaminated (poo contaminated) water supply. It makes you sick. Sick like to the point of near death.  Sick to where I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. And I was still trying to be a mama and a wife.  Failing! But trying.

About two weeks into my 8ish week torment by this stupid gut bug, I found out I was pregnant. Took 3 tests.. all very positive.  I was sick.. so I decided to hold off on the blood work until I was well enough to travel to the doctor.  Four days later, I miscarried.  It was so early. I had no attachment to the idea of being pregnant.  I was too sick to mourn really.  It just was. 

The next week, 2 of my children were approached by a teenage boy while riding their bikes in front of our house. Our new little house, in our quiet little neighborhood, in the middle of beautiful nowhere. He took them into a house under construction and behaved inappropriately with them (to literally say the very least. I won't go into details, because no charges were brought against him, and for my own children's privacy.) We called the police. A sex crimes detective was assigned to our case, my children had to go and talk to special counselors skilled in getting details of abuse from children. I will tell you my children are beautiful and precious and fine! I was very concerned for awhile. The detectives found that while the 14 year old boy "acted inappropriately", he did nothing illegal. The most frustrating thing about this is they never even interviewed him! Nope, not once. So for the first time in a long time, I got kind of mad at God.

After about 8 weeks I started to feel better. So, I took inventory. What do I need to do? I have been out of commission for so long where do I start?  I'd like to say that I started with prayer or time in the Word, but I didn't.  I started with my own to-do list.  And everyday the list got longer, more daunting. I was behind on school with the kids (we caught up fairly easily). I was behind on chores.  I was completely lacking in any relationships that I had. Not because my friends are bad, not because they don't care or don't try, but because I don't return phone calls or texts and I stay at home.

My husband, that man is a SAINT! He continues to love me unconditionally and be a great dad. He has been dedicated to his kids, and his job, and his looney tunes wife. :)  My kids are busy little bumble bees. Joyful, playful, lovable, sweet, kindhearted, and perfect (Ok.. I am only slightly exaggerating). Even so I am even more of a mess than I was before. 

I am by no means better. I have started seeing a counselor to help with the loss of Ian and the junk I've been dealing with. I have started seeing a new psychiatrist to help me with my depression (judge me if you so chose, but I answer only to the Lord for this). I have started to get back into the word and prayer. But not like I used to. And the biggest change.. I have enrolled my children in school. They start on Monday. My reasoning, this very hard season of my life, doesn't need to be something that affects them. I want them to learn and laugh and play and not remember mommy like this.

Why post this? I don't know. Like I said.. I over share.  But as I lay awake tonight I thought.. THE END! I am ending this chapter of emotional exhaustion in my life.  This fighting God for control of my heart and thoughts and time.

Prayer hasn't just been flowing like it used to. Or my communication with God.  It seems broken down on my end.  I know He is right there. He has shown me over and over in the last week more times than I can recall!  He is constantly proving Himself faithful and with purpose, even when I have allowed my life not to be.

This an entry from my prayer journal. My most recent entry. I need to pray it everyday.

Dear Lord,
I praise your precious name. I humble myself in your presence Lord. I repent of all evil that I willingly do and that which I do that is against you in my ignorance.
I praise you Lord for you are JUST! Who will not fear you, Lord. and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before you. For you are righteous deeds have been revealed (Rev 15:3,4).
Praise you that I am made right when I believe Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. You are fair and just and allow sinners to be made right (Rom 3:25-26).
Father, you are righteous and your regulations are fair. Your laws are perfect and completely trustworthy (Psalm 119:137-138).
Lord, I confess my sin of complacency , of rebellion to you and to your ways. I confess my evil thoughts and sinful selfish desires. I confess my self indulgence and lack of discipline. I confess a heart cold to you with apathy towards others. I repent Lord, and I know you are just and faithful to forgive me and cleanse me (1 John 1:9).
Thank you Lord for holding me together while I was trying to tear myself apart with both hands. Thank you for children who sing your praises and desire to know your character. Be real to them. Be real in ME. Thank you for a husband who is being moved by you. Called closer to you than ever before in spite of his the burdens he shares with me. Thank you for food, shelter, money, love, church, friends and your Word made alive by your Son.
Father, help me be mind-full of you. Help me to seek to please you. Put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise for you so that many will learn of this and be amazed, so they will trust in you. (Psalm 40:3)
In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen
 

There is hope in the Lord!  He makes all things new! He never leaves you or forsakes you! He stands at the door and knocks!

 

Happy Apple

This year apple picking went much better than last year!

Thankfully the sweet man that owns the apple farm actually had apples :)

Unfortunately for him it has been a drought year so they were smaller than he had hoped.

No matter the size of the apples we loved the family time

 

This sunflower was bigger than my head (I know you are thinking WOAH... THAT'S HUGE)

 



We came home with about 10lbs of apples and enough berries to make some jam. So tomorrow we are going to try our hand at.

School Days

Back to school has not gone exactly as I had planned. We aimed to start on Aug 13th.

Which we did... kind of.

Mom got sick, so by August 16th we were on break.

So.. redo. School will resume on Sept. 4.

Mom still isn't better.. but I can at least function.

 

 Kindergarten

 1st Grade

 

 3rd Grade

 

 And it was Marcus' turn to start attending home school coop. So one day a week my baby big kid

goes to school. The other two go of course, but they are on a different day. It is a nice way to get some quality time in with all of them.

 

My baby is 5

For some reason the younger two kids have not had real birthday parties with

friends until they turned 5.

Maybe because mom wised up and decided not shell out the moola

for something they will never remember or appreciate.

Maybe because life is crazy hectic and I never got around to it.

I honestly don't know.

But Marcus had his first Birthday Bowling Party.

The same way Landon celebrate his 5th birthday.

 

My sweet friend Jen helped me make a cake. She is oober talented.. me not so much.

I baked it (hence the shape), she frosted most of it and made the little fondant characters.

This was more than likely my LAST attempt at making a cake. No the characters are not supposed

to be sinking in the middle.  Bonus points if you know what cartoon they are from!

Um remember when he turned 2? I do.

My Heart Skips

Everything is permissible (allowable and lawful) for me; but not all things are helpful (good for me to do, expedient and profitable when considered with other things). Everything is lawful for me, but I will not become the slave of anything or be brought under its power. Food [is intended] for the stomach and the stomach for food, but God will finally end [the functions of] both and bring them to nothing. The body is not intended for sexual immorality, but [is intended] for the Lord, and the Lord [is intended] for the body [to save, sanctify, and raise it again]. (1 Corinthians 6:12, 13 AMP)


This morning I feel this verse just wrap me up in His protection, in His love, in His salvation, in His purpose for me.  May we stay the there today in that beautiful place of oneness.

Abide

Abide

The Classical Greek writers used the word meno meaning, "to stay,” “stand fast,” “remain” or “abide.”  It has the idea to remain at home, or stay where you are and not wander off.
The word translated "abide" is one of the Apostle John's favorite words. He uses it 34 times in the Gospel, and 19 times in his letters. The word meno means to dwell at ones' own house, to stay as a guest in someone’s home, to abide or to sustain unbroken fellowship with someone. To have a friend who abides is to always be present to help you in time of need.
The apostle John uses it to say God "abides" (meno) in Christ. He dwells in Him and therefore has a constant influence upon him. The divine presence is continually operative in Him. Jesus said, "I am in the Father and the Father is in Me . . .The Father, who remains (meno) in Me, does His own work" (John 14:10). In John 10:38 Jesus said, "the Father is in Me, and I in the Father."  
How does Jesus accomplish what He does? His answer was, "the Father abiding in Me does His work." Jesus is the one person who was completely at the disposal of the Father. He told His disciples, "Believe Me that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me. . ." (Jn. 14:11). Jesus made Himself available to the Father.
The evidence of "I am in the Father, and the Father is in Me" was His perfect character. Jesus was different and you could see the difference in His behavior. He spoke what the Father told Him to say (Jn. 14:10; cf. 7:16; 12:49-50; 14:24). Jesus not only said what the Father told Him to say, but everything He did was the Father's working in and through Him. "The Father abiding in  Me does His works" (Jn. 14:10). "The Father living in Me . . . is doing His work" and the evidence is what you see.
In John 14:20, Jesus took the idea of relationship one-step further when He spoke of the Holy Spirit and the believer. "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. After a little while the world will behold Me no more; but you will behold Me; because I live, you shall live also. In  that day you shall know that I am in My father, and you in Me, and I in you" (John 14:18-20).
When Jesus said that believers "abide" in God, it pictures a relationship bound to Him by the Holy Spirit whom they received when they believed on Christ. The idea is to remain in vital union with God or in Christ. It is the work of the Holy Spirit in the believer’s life.
In the First Epistle of John, the apostle says this vital union of remaining in Christ will make a difference in our behavior. The one who says he abides (remains or resides) in God ought himself to walk just as Jesus walked. Meno indicates a close, intimate and permanent relationship between the believer and God (1 John 2:6, 24, 27; 3:6).
Furthermore, "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than  these he will do; because I go to the Father" (Jn. 14:12). "Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. If you love Me, you will keep My commandments" (Jn. 14:13-15).
Jesus is not speaking of fantastic spectacular miracles, but the preaching of the Gospel. The "greater works" is the taking the good news of Jesus Christ and His saving work to the ends of the earth and seeing a great harvest of souls. The preaching on the Day of Pentecost is an excellent example of these “greater works.” When we serve Him according to His will He will answer our prayers, and we can see Him do great and mighty things in and through us.
He wants us to make ourselves available to Him even as He made Himself available to His Father. We are to ask what Jesus would ask the Father. We have the Holy Spirit abiding in us to guide us. The limitations on the prayer promise is the intimate union and harmony with Christ that nothing will be asked out of accordance to His will.
The apostle John says in this vital union with Christ, Christ or God abides (meno) in the believer (John 6:56; 15:4). It is an intimate, personal relationship with Him, for Jesus says He lives in us. "He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides (meno) in Me and I in him" (Jn. 6:56). We appropriate that abiding relationship by faith. Jesus said, "I live in them." He occupies a place in us as His dwelling place. It is a permanent relationship with my soul and exerts its power and authority over my life. The abiding presence of Christ in the believer is His permanent residence in Him and His supplying that is necessary to produce fruit in his life. Again, this is the work of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit and the spirit of Christ refer to the same person.
John 15:4, "Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you, unless you abide in Me." The Vine is our positional source. "Keep on abiding in Me." Jesus is emphasizing the permanence of position such as maintaining unbroken communion and fellowship with the person in whom He dwells. He is saying: "Remain united with Me." “Remain in unbroken fellowship with Me.” “Remain in vital union with Me.”
The point Jesus is making is for the believer to maintain unbroken fellowship with Christ. The believer has now made his spiritual residence in Christ. His abiding place is in Christ Jesus. The house has been cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Nothing now stands between the believer and Christ.  It is a holy fellowship. There is no better analogy than the vine and its branches. The believer draws his spiritual life and energy from the indwelling One.
We abide in Christ and He in us when we enter into a personal relationship by putting our trust in Him as our Savior. Have you appropriated Him into your personal life? (Jn. 6:54-58) Are you continuing to persevere in His teachings? (Jn. 8:31; 1 John 2:19, 24). Are you obeying His commandments? (Jn. 15:9-10) We cannot produce spiritual fruit that will bring glory to God without a continual abiding in Him. We cannot produce God's kind of fruit without the life of God within us. The remaining in Him produces fruit. 

Key Scriptures

1. When God invites us to come and join Him in what He is doing, it is an invitation to an intimate personal relationship with Him. We are to Him as a branch is to its vine. If we are to bear His kind of fruit it must be in relationship to Him. We can do nothing apart from drawing our strength from Him (John 15:5).
2. When we produce quality spiritual fruit, it depends entirely on the life of Christ being reproduced in the believer. There are no short cuts to fruit (Galatians 5:22-23; Hebrews 12:11). The "fruit" Jesus is expecting are deeds of love that demonstrate our relationship to God. Jesus does not expect works from us to earn God's favor, but evidences of life in the branches.
3. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" "No one," thunders the apostle Paul inRomans 8:35-39. Our abiding in Christ does not depend upon us, but on making ourselves available to Him. The Holy Spirit abides in the believer forever (John 14:16). The issue in chapter fifteen is on our relationship to God in bearing fruit. Salvation is not the subject.
4. If we are abiding in Christ, we will have a rich prayer life that supplies rich fellowship with Him (Jn. 14:13-14; 15:7, 16).
5. When we walk like Christ, we will always abide near Christ. The nearness of Christ always invites us to come and enter into unbroken fellowship with Him. That which makes a man "holy" is the perpetual abiding of the Holy Spirit within him. We become like those with whom we associate.
6. To abide in continual dependence upon Christ is to keep yourself in the position of child-like-trust and dependence upon Him.
7. Jesus said He could do nothing on His own; therefore we can do nothing on our own. Everything about abiding means we must remain united with Him just as the Son remains united with the Father.

Abiding Principles and Practical Applications

John 6:54-58; 15:4-10, 16; 8:31; 14:10-14, 18-20; 1 John 2:6, 19, 24; 4:12, 15; Romans 8:35-39

For Further Study

You in Me and I in You 
John 15:1-6 Life in the Vine
John 14:12-15 Alive in Christ
Jesus the True Vine John 15:1-11
Galatians 2:20 Our Vital Union in Christ
Abiding in the Holy Spirit John 15:26-27 
Abide in the Holy Spirit
Abiding in Christ
Living the Christian Life
Fellowship of the Holy Spirit
Psalm 91:1 Secure Shelter in the Storms of Life
Appropriating Christ Daily
Faith and the Bible
Our Supreme Passion
Message by Wil Pounds and all content on this page (c) 2005 by Wil Pounds. Anyone is free to use this material and distribute it, but it may not be sold under any circumstances whatsoever without the author's written consent. Scripture quotations from the New American Standard Bible (c) 1973, and 1995 Update by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. 

Going Private

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10 Years

July 14, 2012

We celebrated 10 years of marriage. A lifetime ago we were kids.

Jeff had just enlisted in the Air Force and we knew

it was time for us to start a family.

How does a marriage survive 10 years?

For some people, it may be with ease, but I can't image who. For us.. we fought for it.

There were plenty of occasions that we could have given up.

Plenty of times hurt made us doubt if it was worth the fight.

But God in all His grace knew

IT ABSOLUTELY WAS!

The man I am married to is a living, breathing example of God's grace.

We have grown up together, loved, fought, laughed,

rejoiced, suffered, hoped, prayed, cried, and forgiven.

By the grace of God we made it to this day!

The man I am married to is not the man I married, he is so much more than just my best friend!

He is my example of Christ's love, my leader, my eternal soul mate.

10 years was the perfect time for us to renew our vows.

Our friend, and pastor, Nate performed the ceremony. It was just our family and theirs, and my sweet friend Jennifer who took all these beautiful pictures.

Praise God. He makes all things new (Rev. 21:5)

{{WARNING:: KISSING PICTURE AHEAD}}

(Seriously! - every kissing picture should have a warning. Sometimes they catch me off guard and I am like barf... someone could have told me that was coming :P)

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I stand

Summer Getaway

It had been awhile since we had been to California. Way too long to not see cousins, grandparents, great-grandpa, and aunts and uncles.

After 20 straight hours of driving we made it safe and sound to Jeff's parents.

Not to far from them lives my grandpa. That hunky 93yr old couldn't have been sharper or more excited to see us.

Uncle Frank and Aunt Kristen hosted us for a super awesome bouncy-slide BBQ.

While the slide was a blast, the cousins - and grandpa - had fun feeding the turtle and watching him poop.

 
   

M

  

Cousin E

Cousin C

Jeff's parents also treated us to Knott's Berry Farm where we had a blast, but I have no

photos. Boo. L went on a ton of roller coasters.

Of course you can't visit the coast without going in the water. L took to boogie-boarding and never got out of the water. M would run from the waves and J just lived in the sand.

  M, Grandpa, and Aunt Kristen waiting for some waves :)

This is how you do it at the beach. Grandpa and Uncle Frank snoozing in the sunshine.

 L after a day in the ocean.

My sandy girl.

Our little niece M. She is such a stinkin cutie toot!

Jeff doing a 'cool guy' walk (or so J said when she saw this picture)

After a wonderful getaway we made the 20 hr trek straight through again.

This time we stopped at Four Corners, which was a bit out

of the way, but totally worth it.

Bedtime In Our Home

It's pretty great :)