On Borrowed Time

Trying to keep perspective this morning. Taking a shower and mourning the loss of my precious little life. It happens briefly from time to time. Rather than dwell in the pain and aching heart, I have been trying to replace my thoughts. This morning it was a matter of perspective.

The last couple years have been full of extreme ups and downs, and at times more overwhelming than I thought that my heart could bare, but God has faithfully seen me through. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in a downward thought spiral, poor me I lost a baby, poor me I have had failing health, poor me I have battled depression and anxiety, poor me...

But in reality JOYFUL am I - I lose sight of the fact that I am on borrowed time.

Nearly 10 years ago now I went to the urgent care complaining of a side cramp. I NEVER went to the doctor, let alone for a cramp, but I found myself there. The doctor discovered a large mass under the right side of my rib cage and sent me for an immediate CATscan. The results were shocking. I had a mass that was the size of my entire abdomen. The first doctor said it could require a full hysterectomy - I got a second opinion. I was getting married in 4 months - I wanted a family. Surgery was required and ASAP.

I was scared. I remember laying my head on my mom's lap and just sobbing, "I don't want to die." I had never had surgery before and this seemed like a big deal. Since they didn't really know what was going on it was terrifying. Mom brushed her hand over my head and said, "Angelina, you are not going to die, God has plans for you." I believed her.

I remember waking up from the anesthesia, Jeff and my parents and his parents by my side. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me that they had taken my left ovary. WAIT! NO!..my insides screamed. I knew they were taking my right one but my left one too. Later I found out that the mass they felt up under my right ribs was attached to my left ovary. It was 5 pounds and full. They said it was like a large orange. They had to make an incision from my belly button to my pubic area to pull it out and it almost didn't fit. But there was more news. There had been a cyst on my other ovary as well and they had to take part of that too. We were 20 years old, barely, and were going to have to start trying got get pregnant as soon as we were married since there was only a 20% chance we could conceive and odds were fertility treatments would be needed.

Then the doctor looked at my mom and I and told us the pathology came back. The cyst they removed was full of cancer. Had it leaked or burst I would have died. The doctor said I would have died within the next year had it not been found. That meant before my 21st birthday.

And here I sit. Typing on my borrowed time. God has a plan for me. Jeff and I have been able to conceive 5 times and have 3 beautiful children. I have been given a new life and family on time I may never have had. There is no poor me! Only THANKFUL me! BLESSED me! Me who needs to keep perspective and be thankful for this day, because it may never have been.