Words Don't Do It Justice

My heart hurts. It has been over 3 weeks and it still hurts. Four weeks ago I went for my 13 week checkup and discovered our precious little baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was there alone, my husband at work, and my kids with a friend. Tears streamed silently down my face as the doctor explained my options. The timing was awful; we were closing on our new house in 3 days and starting the moving process. I couldn’t be out of commission and leave my husband to do all the work. I told the doctor I would discuss it with my husband and get back to her, but that I would like to have a D&C, just not until after our move. So we planned to do the D&C in 8 days. The doctor felt that since the baby had passed away a week and a half prior, my body wouldn’t do anything before then.

We closed on our house, and the day was bitter sweet. The next morning we went over to the new house to put in fans and build a trampoline for the kids. I bent down to help hold a piece of trampoline in place and a gush of water came out. Weird, I thought, not understanding what was happening. I bent down again – just a few seconds later and a bigger gush. “I just peed” I told my husband and ran to the bathroom. There was another gush of water and then…. it laid there. A tiny, lifeless body. I held it and started screaming. I didn’t know what to do. It was a scream that came from the depths of my soul.

A little one laid on the palm of my hand. Head to toe he (I’m pretty sure) fit perfectly in my palm. He had eyes, a nose, a mouth. All 10 fingers and toes. He was perfect..

I bled.. a lot. I thought it was normal. Turns out when I went to the hospital it wasn’t normal. I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know it. Nurses went in and out of the room. The doctor did her work. I felt like I was going to die… my arms went numb my legs went numb. I started to lose consciousness. Jeff held my hand and I was afraid. Nurses cried. I cried.

Jeff had handed over the baby when we got there. I should have held it more. Talked to him. Prayed over him. But I was in shock. My mom had come down to watch the kids and my friend Anastasia had sat with me and cried and encouraged me before I had left for the hospital. My mom prayed over him, I had just cried.

My husband has been amazing. He holds me when I cry and loves me in between. Some days are harder than others, but I’m still not healed. It still hurts.. like my heart my actually break inside my chest. My children know, and understand as much as you can when you are 7,5 and 4. They bring me joy and pray for me when I am sad. A few nights ago J wiped my tears and sat with me on my bed.

I want to have more energy and more joy, but I don’t right now. I am severely anemic from the birth and have to go and have iron administered through an IV this week. I trust God – FULLY AND COMPLETELY.. but it still aches. I don’t question why it happened, it isn’t my place to. I just trust. But it is an interesting mix of emotions, trust and agonizing pain. They don’t seem like they could co-exist but they do. I know God is good.