Backyard Sledding

The best part about having a backyard that is not landscaped has proven to be for the use of sledding. We bundled up in our best attempt at snow gear and made use of the freshly padded hills behind our house.

M turned icicles into a treat! - which I must say I prefer to him eating

what he calls "chocolate snow"

A Name Means Closure

I don't know if there will ever really be closure, other than the day I hug him in heaven. But a few weeks back I went to counseling and it was suggested to me that we name the baby. It has been amazing how naming the baby has eased the pain. Somehow it has wrapped up the tiny little bundle in all our love. Making it so that he was no longer a nameless thing, but my boy. My precious little man that I will only know the other side of this life.

And so we have named him Ian Jeffrey. Ian meaning "God is Gracious".

As we pray for another child and live with the loss that feels so fresh in our hearts, we must remember that GOD IS GRACIOUS.

On Borrowed Time

Trying to keep perspective this morning. Taking a shower and mourning the loss of my precious little life. It happens briefly from time to time. Rather than dwell in the pain and aching heart, I have been trying to replace my thoughts. This morning it was a matter of perspective.

The last couple years have been full of extreme ups and downs, and at times more overwhelming than I thought that my heart could bare, but God has faithfully seen me through. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in a downward thought spiral, poor me I lost a baby, poor me I have had failing health, poor me I have battled depression and anxiety, poor me...

But in reality JOYFUL am I - I lose sight of the fact that I am on borrowed time.

Nearly 10 years ago now I went to the urgent care complaining of a side cramp. I NEVER went to the doctor, let alone for a cramp, but I found myself there. The doctor discovered a large mass under the right side of my rib cage and sent me for an immediate CATscan. The results were shocking. I had a mass that was the size of my entire abdomen. The first doctor said it could require a full hysterectomy - I got a second opinion. I was getting married in 4 months - I wanted a family. Surgery was required and ASAP.

I was scared. I remember laying my head on my mom's lap and just sobbing, "I don't want to die." I had never had surgery before and this seemed like a big deal. Since they didn't really know what was going on it was terrifying. Mom brushed her hand over my head and said, "Angelina, you are not going to die, God has plans for you." I believed her.

I remember waking up from the anesthesia, Jeff and my parents and his parents by my side. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me that they had taken my left ovary. WAIT! NO!..my insides screamed. I knew they were taking my right one but my left one too. Later I found out that the mass they felt up under my right ribs was attached to my left ovary. It was 5 pounds and full. They said it was like a large orange. They had to make an incision from my belly button to my pubic area to pull it out and it almost didn't fit. But there was more news. There had been a cyst on my other ovary as well and they had to take part of that too. We were 20 years old, barely, and were going to have to start trying got get pregnant as soon as we were married since there was only a 20% chance we could conceive and odds were fertility treatments would be needed.

Then the doctor looked at my mom and I and told us the pathology came back. The cyst they removed was full of cancer. Had it leaked or burst I would have died. The doctor said I would have died within the next year had it not been found. That meant before my 21st birthday.

And here I sit. Typing on my borrowed time. God has a plan for me. Jeff and I have been able to conceive 5 times and have 3 beautiful children. I have been given a new life and family on time I may never have had. There is no poor me! Only THANKFUL me! BLESSED me! Me who needs to keep perspective and be thankful for this day, because it may never have been.

My Sweeties!

My Humbling Moment

So at our house - there has been sickness for a few days. High fevers, coughs and runny noses. Just when I thought the fevers were gone, they would spike again. One time reaching 106.8 - well that one time being last night. So I loaded up the two little sickies and took them to the ER. J and M both got nose swabs for the flu and chest x-rays.

The doc came back and said, "Well neither one has the flu. BUT.. both have pneumonia." So they were prescribed antibiotics and sent home. I knew they must have been miserable because they put themselves down for naps yesterday AND they were so well-behaved at the hospital. I got lots of compliments. I knew the lethargy and fevers were the cause of their quiet and sweet manner, but I just graciously accepted the compliments. Hey - I enjoyed my moment of looking like a great mom :D.

Anyway.. these are the faces of my sickly children.

And this one below, he is the one that did a work on my heart this morning.

I sent all the children upstairs to do their morning chores. J cried (which I understand, she had a fever of 102). Her chores were simple, get her clothes on, make her bed, brush her teeth. It wasn't going to kill her - even though she acted like it was.

So after she came down and threw herself to the floor I told her she need to go to the corner and collect herself. L came down to check on her. I sent him back upstairs, very frustrated that he was still in his pajamas and none of his chores done. It had been like 15 minutes. I could feel my chest tighten with frustration. Sometimes dealing with sick kids overwhelms me. Why can't the healthy one just do what he is told and make my life easier? I spouted off some comments about my disappointment. He didn't respond, but just went about his chores.

When J was let off of time-out she went upstairs to find that her brother had made her bed and cleaned her room first. Here I was fuming at the fact that he was disobeying - when in reality he was serving. I was humbled and proud. What a sweet boy with a sweet heart.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. " Proverbs 15:1
L had every right to defend himself against my accusations of being disobedient. He could have come back with a defense, but he was silent. He was respectful and he was creating peace in our home because he knew I was not.

I am humbled. He has been so good picking up the slack of the other kids' chores. Helping without complaint but swift "Yes Ma'ams" and a joyful willingness to help his brother and sister and I just expected it of him. I took those moments for granted instead of praising him. I very easily could have broken his helpful little spirit this morning. I offered my humbled apology and enthusiastic praise and recognition of his wonderful heart. Not but a few minutes later he was helping his sister and hugging his brother.

I am one proud mama.. and thankful the Lord uses my children to teach me, grow me, and cause me to search my heart. Why didn't I think to clean her room for her out of love? Why was I so quick to anger? Why do I ALWAYS justify myself when wrongfully (or rightly for that matter) accused of something instead of being silent?

Time to pray about some things! And praise God for the work He is doing in my son.