Our Trip

We just got back from spending Christmas in California with the families. It was soooo wonderful. My heart hurts to go back and be with family. Hubby and I (well really just Hubby), decided that we would save money if we drove the 1200 miles over 2 days. We would have had to purchase 4 tickets since J turned two while we were down. The trip down was a breeze. We took the minivan with gifts for the kids, all of us and the dog. We packed a cooler and a DVD player (but forgot the charger) and some games for the kids to play with. We drove from 11pm on the 20th until 3pm the next day and then stayed the night in Stockton and made the rest of the trip the next day – total time in the car 22 hours. The drive home was a different story. We were packed to the limit with gifts so there was little wiggle room in the van. The morning we were supposed to leave J got the throwing up flu, she puked pretty much the whole way home anytime she tried to eat or drink. We also we pummeled by the worst storm to hit the West coast in 5 years. In some of the places we traveled they had winds of 165 mph. And for some reason the dog decided to pee on my seat twice when we stopped to change diapers and get food. We left at Midnight on January 4 and didn't stop until 4pm, and then we got up at 7am and drove until 9 pm – total drive time 30 hours. YiPes! Needless to say I NEVER want to drive it again. All in all with food, lodging and gas I don't think it saved us any money. But it was nice to have our own car while we were down.

Aside from the hellish drive home the trip was amazing. We both miss family soooo much, it was hard to leave. I got physically ill when we had to go. Now we are back and in the swing of things. School started for both of us again on the 7th. Baby M has started sleeping through the night, J and L are going to bed at 8:30 now (we still have to lay with them, but that isn't not so bad). Once we got home L and Baby M started throwing up, but it only lasted for each of them for about 24 hours. Baby M has started rolling over. Yay.. can't wait for him to sit up.

PPD

I am so blessed by all that I have; my kids, my family, and all of our health. I am very much looking forward to this year. It is weird; last year was so hard for me. It was a accumulation of several things. My sister, N, moved back to California after graduating college, so all of my family was in the same area again, except for me (and my sister, T, but she never lived by us – she's a Florida girl). L had to have two corrective surgeries for his urethra. I lost my grandma and couldn't go down and be a part there for her service. I continued to go to school through my delivery of the baby with no breaks, and then things kind of felt like they were falling apart. When I should have been feelings so blessed to have my beautiful babies, to be able to continue my education and the fact that Jeff and I were getting along great – I didn't feel that way. I felt (as I can even see in my blogs) run down, overwhelmed, hopeless, anxious, irritated and angry. One day when I went to MOPS I heard someone say that they felt that way. While other women in the MOPS group gasped at her honesty (the things she was saying weren't pleasant) I felt like she could have been reading a page from my life. She said she had post-partum depression. I felt relieved to know what was wrong with me and that I was not this horrible mom and wife, like I felt like I had been. If you have known me for any amount of time you know that I usually a very happy and goofy person and I just hadn't been myself. So after lots of debating with myself on whether or not it would make me a "bad" Christian, I decided to go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with severe post-partum and put on Zoloft. After a week of taking the medicine there was a definite change. I was able to feel happy and not irritated or frustrated.

I look forward to this New Year. I am hopeful and grateful for all that I have. I am writing this blog just in case someone else has felt this way. I thought that PPD was crying all the time or wanting to kill myself or my kids, but it's not just sad, it's much more than that. I struggled with taking the medicine; I don't even take pain killers so I was nervous. But my dad said that it's like a diabetic needing insulin, just like them, having 3 babies in 3 ½ years made me have a chemical imbalance. I have to tell you I am so thankful for the medication. I did not take it while I was on vacation and there was a definite change in me. So now I am back on it, I just have to remember that it is not something to stop taking because I feel better, that just means it is doing its job.

Exhausted

Ever since Marcus' got here I have wanted nothing more than to go to bed for an entire weekend and sleep. My days are so hectic and there is not a minute for myself or to spend alone with Jeff. Landon and Jay still have to be watched at bed time, so that doesn't give Jeff or I the option of alone time until after 9pm and once Marcus' colic got better he started teething. So he is still up all the time, not really settling in for a full night's sleep until after midnight. On top of those little monkeys Jeff and I are still going to school full-time. So if we are even up with just Marcus one of us is doing homework and if Marcus is sleeping we both are. I spent all of this last Sunday in the library writing papers rather than hanging out with my family. Anyway, all of this is to say that I have let my walk with God slip. I have no time for anything and unfortunately I told myself that I was too busy to read my bible because there is a constant laundry list of things to do. I practically fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow so my prayer life has suffered also. Because of my lack of time with God, I have felt too guilty to come back to Him and get back on track. All of my "busyness" has left me drained and empty with little to show for it. I am not doing anything well. I am behind in cleaning, homework, and severely lacking patience. I have known that I need to bring the Lord back into the picture but I have been bitter and grumpy. Yesterday I came across some verses that gave me hope and wanted to share:

"My wayward children," says the Lord, "come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts." Jeremiah 3:22 NLT

When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and you stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord." And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Psalm 32:3-5 NLT

Create in me a new heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.
Psalm 41:10, 12

Crazy how God knows just how to speak to me even when I don't want to listen. :D

Mom of Three

Well Baby M is already 16 days old! Time has gone by so fast. I am loving just about every minute of it. I am feeling completely back to normal, just tired all the time. Hubby had to go back to work Monday, so this was my first week on my own as a mother-of-three! I SURVIVED! Just kidding, it was so much easier than I expected. L and Jayleyn are acting out a lot but I'm sure it's just part of adjusting. They are still super loving and helpful with Baby M, they just have to learn to share my time with the baby too. Our first week home all together, before Hubby went back to work, was really fun. We spent a lot of time playing and "helping" the baby (I think they were bothering him a lot more than helping, but it made their little hearts happy). Baby M is not a good sleeper at all – unless he is in bed next to me. He hates his bassinet so this week we are transitioning J into her twin bed in L's room that way Baby M can move into his crib. The process is so FRUSTRATING. No one wants to sleep and no one listens at all. They giggle and get out of bed, which was cute the first night, but last night they did it until 11:30 – and Hubby and I were exhausted trying to scoop them up and get them back into bed over and over. Finally Hubby went and laid next to J to help her get to sleep and we were good – which is the same time Baby M woke up. So we have a definite issue with getting no sleep. Hubby is a huge help at bed time though and so I am grateful that I don't have to do it on my own.

I had a break from school this week, it was much needed. It was really difficult trying to complete my course and get all my assignments turned while still being exhausted from delivering a baby – BUT I DID IT. Hooray! But my next quarter starts on Monday already.. so I'm going to have to find a way to get in homework while I am trying to get two giggly kids to bed, and take care of a fussy baby. It should get easier with time as I get things under control. Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update on how things are going. Right now Hubby is trying to get L and Jay to bed and I can hear him having a hard time so I'm going to go relieve him.

Baby M Has Arrived

The Lord blessed us with the most beautiful and TERM baby! - And I just know it's because so many people were praying for us.

God's timing could not have been more perfect. My mom came into town on August 5th and had to leave on the 17th - but she was able to make it for the birth! Yay. On Tuesday I started having contractions every 2 - 3 minutes so I went to the hospital and was dilated to 3cm, but not in active labor (you have to be 4cm and regularly contracting). So they sent me home and told me that they thought I should eat and walk around and I would go into labor sometime in the night. Nothing happened. Then on Wednesday (Aug 15) the contractions started again along with a lot of back pain, so I went back to L&D. This time I was dilated to 4cm so they admitted me around 4:30 in the afternoon. My contractions slowed way down so they broke my water at 5:45. Baby M was born at 9:58pm and was perfect. I was able to go WITHOUT ANY MEDICATION OF ANY KIND! He weighed 7lbs12ozs (our biggest by far) and was 20". Hubby went home to get some sleep around 1 AM and relieve the sitter and my mom was able to stay at the hospital with me over night. Baby M and I were released yesterday afternoon and we all had our first night at home. It was just about as sleepless as I remembered. ;)

Landon and J are in love with Baby M. I thought that they would be jealous of my time, but they couldn't care less about me and just want to tend to his every coo. They are an amazing big brother and sister and my heart could not be any happier. Hubby has been able to take the next week off of work, so we are looking forward to having some family bonding time for awhile. We are blessed beyond words!