The Prayer For Everyday

I'm not sure that I will even post this entry. It depends on if I can convey my heart or not.  I tend to over share to fulfill my need for transparency and yet hold back in the areas that I should really be sharing with others. Sometimes I feel like I am just mental and verbal jumble and all that comes out are the wrong things at the wrong times.  Or maybe it is more that I haven't been able to get my heart right for so long, that I don't know the right things to say anymore.

I've been struggling. A long struggle. Not as long as most and not as painful as others, but it is my struggle.  Losing Ian has been devastating. Still - today I can cry about it. I see his little feet and his little fingers in my mind.  I hold babies the age he would be if our Father had not decided to take him home, and there is a gut wrenching ache.  Duller than before. But just as real.

I allowed it to change me. I don't think I could have stopped it, even if I threw myself into complete denial, I would have been changed.  At first, it made me stronger. More determined to glorify the Lord in my pain, so that I could see how He carried me through once I was on the other side.  But the other side - hasn't come yet. And I lost that determination. And I had lost hope.  And I had lost perspective. And I had lost joy.  And I had lost my peace.

Depression and anxiety have plagued me. Day and night. Insomnia is a friend I can not cut ties with. I type this at 4:30AM having been up since 2. At first insomnia terrified me. Made my anxiety worse. It was the only goal of every waking day - to somehow find sleep at night.  So much so, that it became my idol. I have lost memories, joyful and playful times with my children,  because I have relentlessly pursued sleep.  That is the lamest sounding thing I have ever written.  But it is true.

I pray, I read the word, I trust... I stop.  I start over. There has been no true discipline in my spiritual life anymore. No rock foundation.  Not because God isn't there or because God isn't good, but because my focus has been so turned inward that I have been building everything on the shifting sand of my own emotions.

I have lost so many friendships simply because I stopped trying to maintain them.  I have had a husband who has literally had to hold everything together on his own for so long.  I can get myself out my funk for a few days.. maybe a few weeks.. and then I start to slip again.

Recently I reached a breaking point.  In August I got sick. On top of insomnia and depression, I came down with some funky parasite called Cryptosporidium. Google it.. I hadn't heard of it before either.  I guess it's a big deal.  You get it from some type of contaminated (poo contaminated) water supply. It makes you sick. Sick like to the point of near death.  Sick to where I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. And I was still trying to be a mama and a wife.  Failing! But trying.

About two weeks into my 8ish week torment by this stupid gut bug, I found out I was pregnant. Took 3 tests.. all very positive.  I was sick.. so I decided to hold off on the blood work until I was well enough to travel to the doctor.  Four days later, I miscarried.  It was so early. I had no attachment to the idea of being pregnant.  I was too sick to mourn really.  It just was. 

The next week, 2 of my children were approached by a teenage boy while riding their bikes in front of our house. Our new little house, in our quiet little neighborhood, in the middle of beautiful nowhere. He took them into a house under construction and behaved inappropriately with them (to literally say the very least. I won't go into details, because no charges were brought against him, and for my own children's privacy.) We called the police. A sex crimes detective was assigned to our case, my children had to go and talk to special counselors skilled in getting details of abuse from children. I will tell you my children are beautiful and precious and fine! I was very concerned for awhile. The detectives found that while the 14 year old boy "acted inappropriately", he did nothing illegal. The most frustrating thing about this is they never even interviewed him! Nope, not once. So for the first time in a long time, I got kind of mad at God.

After about 8 weeks I started to feel better. So, I took inventory. What do I need to do? I have been out of commission for so long where do I start?  I'd like to say that I started with prayer or time in the Word, but I didn't.  I started with my own to-do list.  And everyday the list got longer, more daunting. I was behind on school with the kids (we caught up fairly easily). I was behind on chores.  I was completely lacking in any relationships that I had. Not because my friends are bad, not because they don't care or don't try, but because I don't return phone calls or texts and I stay at home.

My husband, that man is a SAINT! He continues to love me unconditionally and be a great dad. He has been dedicated to his kids, and his job, and his looney tunes wife. :)  My kids are busy little bumble bees. Joyful, playful, lovable, sweet, kindhearted, and perfect (Ok.. I am only slightly exaggerating). Even so I am even more of a mess than I was before. 

I am by no means better. I have started seeing a counselor to help with the loss of Ian and the junk I've been dealing with. I have started seeing a new psychiatrist to help me with my depression (judge me if you so chose, but I answer only to the Lord for this). I have started to get back into the word and prayer. But not like I used to. And the biggest change.. I have enrolled my children in school. They start on Monday. My reasoning, this very hard season of my life, doesn't need to be something that affects them. I want them to learn and laugh and play and not remember mommy like this.

Why post this? I don't know. Like I said.. I over share.  But as I lay awake tonight I thought.. THE END! I am ending this chapter of emotional exhaustion in my life.  This fighting God for control of my heart and thoughts and time.

Prayer hasn't just been flowing like it used to. Or my communication with God.  It seems broken down on my end.  I know He is right there. He has shown me over and over in the last week more times than I can recall!  He is constantly proving Himself faithful and with purpose, even when I have allowed my life not to be.

This an entry from my prayer journal. My most recent entry. I need to pray it everyday.

Dear Lord,
I praise your precious name. I humble myself in your presence Lord. I repent of all evil that I willingly do and that which I do that is against you in my ignorance.
I praise you Lord for you are JUST! Who will not fear you, Lord. and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before you. For you are righteous deeds have been revealed (Rev 15:3,4).
Praise you that I am made right when I believe Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. You are fair and just and allow sinners to be made right (Rom 3:25-26).
Father, you are righteous and your regulations are fair. Your laws are perfect and completely trustworthy (Psalm 119:137-138).
Lord, I confess my sin of complacency , of rebellion to you and to your ways. I confess my evil thoughts and sinful selfish desires. I confess my self indulgence and lack of discipline. I confess a heart cold to you with apathy towards others. I repent Lord, and I know you are just and faithful to forgive me and cleanse me (1 John 1:9).
Thank you Lord for holding me together while I was trying to tear myself apart with both hands. Thank you for children who sing your praises and desire to know your character. Be real to them. Be real in ME. Thank you for a husband who is being moved by you. Called closer to you than ever before in spite of his the burdens he shares with me. Thank you for food, shelter, money, love, church, friends and your Word made alive by your Son.
Father, help me be mind-full of you. Help me to seek to please you. Put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise for you so that many will learn of this and be amazed, so they will trust in you. (Psalm 40:3)
In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen
 

There is hope in the Lord!  He makes all things new! He never leaves you or forsakes you! He stands at the door and knocks!

 

I Love This Kid

He is such a fun and clever boy. He really does make me smile everyday. He is helpful and silly. And I super duper love him.

Valentine's 2012

So you know the tradition right? Fancy fancy fancy fancy. Well this year was the same :) Dating our kids on Valentine's Day is something we all look forward to as a family.

Handsome 4 yr old

Pretty (and slightly toothless) 6 yr old

So cute 8yr old

Dad who is NOT 30 yet

Mom who is 30! (sigh) and who doesn't know how to act like a grown up in front of the camera .... proof below

Me and my valentine. :)

And the following shot is what usually happens at some point when we are trying to do family pictures...

It was, yet again, a great night. Going around the dinner table taking turns naming things we love about each other and God. This year it made me cry.. probably for womanly hormone reasons, but it was still sweet and memorable. :)

These little people will only be under our roof for a short time. They are on loan from God. I hope they feel treasured and loved.

Kitchen Helpers

I love to have my children with me in the kitchen (well pretty much everywhere.. I'm weird like that). The kitchen especially though. I feel like we talk so much, and they learn so much. As long as their intentions are good, the messes don't bother me. I love to watch them feel empowered as they accomplish something. It is one of the coolest feelings to see them growing before your eyes.

Many times in the past I would say No to requests to help out. I felt like I was in a hurry or couldn't find anything child friendly for them to do. But a friend reminded me, I'm in no hurry. I am home with these little people all day long, everyday. Why not let them help?

Best advice ever. It is quality bonding time. Not just with me but with each other. Friday night was Pizza night - and we decided to bake cookies. I hung out and supervised, they did the rest! And we ALL had fun!

The Cookies:

Teamwork

The Pizza:

Look at the concentration in that face :)

This is the good stuff in life people!

She Turned 6!

Ok so it happened like forever ago.. well not really forever, more like 6 weeks ago. Her birthday falls in that whirlwind time between Christmas and New Year. You know, the time where it is really difficult to pull a party off because all her friends are out of town or busy with Holiday stuff.

We've been on a rotating schedule it seems like with the birthdays. It looks like one year we do a family party, one year we do a big party, repeat. So this year was just us. And it was lots of fun. J's birthday request was to go to Chuck E. Cheese's and to watch a movie. Totally doable.

Imagination

Sometimes I think my oldest son was born without one. He is smart. Rather than play pretend he would rather do school work. He's always been that way. My youngest can play for hours by himself without a care. His thumbs become people, his socks mountains, and he is off in his own little world. But the big one.. not so much. He's different than me in that respect. Legos have been helping cultivate that in him though. He builds and creates, and then plays. Not for long, the building is more fun for him than the playing. When I see the imagination I try to encourage it subtly. I love that he is a boy who likes to learn and analyze. He so different from me, but he is mine and he brings me joy.

Backyard Sledding

The best part about having a backyard that is not landscaped has proven to be for the use of sledding. We bundled up in our best attempt at snow gear and made use of the freshly padded hills behind our house.

M turned icicles into a treat! - which I must say I prefer to him eating

what he calls "chocolate snow"

A Name Means Closure

I don't know if there will ever really be closure, other than the day I hug him in heaven. But a few weeks back I went to counseling and it was suggested to me that we name the baby. It has been amazing how naming the baby has eased the pain. Somehow it has wrapped up the tiny little bundle in all our love. Making it so that he was no longer a nameless thing, but my boy. My precious little man that I will only know the other side of this life.

And so we have named him Ian Jeffrey. Ian meaning "God is Gracious".

As we pray for another child and live with the loss that feels so fresh in our hearts, we must remember that GOD IS GRACIOUS.

On Borrowed Time

Trying to keep perspective this morning. Taking a shower and mourning the loss of my precious little life. It happens briefly from time to time. Rather than dwell in the pain and aching heart, I have been trying to replace my thoughts. This morning it was a matter of perspective.

The last couple years have been full of extreme ups and downs, and at times more overwhelming than I thought that my heart could bare, but God has faithfully seen me through. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in a downward thought spiral, poor me I lost a baby, poor me I have had failing health, poor me I have battled depression and anxiety, poor me...

But in reality JOYFUL am I - I lose sight of the fact that I am on borrowed time.

Nearly 10 years ago now I went to the urgent care complaining of a side cramp. I NEVER went to the doctor, let alone for a cramp, but I found myself there. The doctor discovered a large mass under the right side of my rib cage and sent me for an immediate CATscan. The results were shocking. I had a mass that was the size of my entire abdomen. The first doctor said it could require a full hysterectomy - I got a second opinion. I was getting married in 4 months - I wanted a family. Surgery was required and ASAP.

I was scared. I remember laying my head on my mom's lap and just sobbing, "I don't want to die." I had never had surgery before and this seemed like a big deal. Since they didn't really know what was going on it was terrifying. Mom brushed her hand over my head and said, "Angelina, you are not going to die, God has plans for you." I believed her.

I remember waking up from the anesthesia, Jeff and my parents and his parents by my side. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me that they had taken my left ovary. WAIT! NO!..my insides screamed. I knew they were taking my right one but my left one too. Later I found out that the mass they felt up under my right ribs was attached to my left ovary. It was 5 pounds and full. They said it was like a large orange. They had to make an incision from my belly button to my pubic area to pull it out and it almost didn't fit. But there was more news. There had been a cyst on my other ovary as well and they had to take part of that too. We were 20 years old, barely, and were going to have to start trying got get pregnant as soon as we were married since there was only a 20% chance we could conceive and odds were fertility treatments would be needed.

Then the doctor looked at my mom and I and told us the pathology came back. The cyst they removed was full of cancer. Had it leaked or burst I would have died. The doctor said I would have died within the next year had it not been found. That meant before my 21st birthday.

And here I sit. Typing on my borrowed time. God has a plan for me. Jeff and I have been able to conceive 5 times and have 3 beautiful children. I have been given a new life and family on time I may never have had. There is no poor me! Only THANKFUL me! BLESSED me! Me who needs to keep perspective and be thankful for this day, because it may never have been.

My Sweeties!

My Humbling Moment

So at our house - there has been sickness for a few days. High fevers, coughs and runny noses. Just when I thought the fevers were gone, they would spike again. One time reaching 106.8 - well that one time being last night. So I loaded up the two little sickies and took them to the ER. J and M both got nose swabs for the flu and chest x-rays.

The doc came back and said, "Well neither one has the flu. BUT.. both have pneumonia." So they were prescribed antibiotics and sent home. I knew they must have been miserable because they put themselves down for naps yesterday AND they were so well-behaved at the hospital. I got lots of compliments. I knew the lethargy and fevers were the cause of their quiet and sweet manner, but I just graciously accepted the compliments. Hey - I enjoyed my moment of looking like a great mom :D.

Anyway.. these are the faces of my sickly children.

And this one below, he is the one that did a work on my heart this morning.

I sent all the children upstairs to do their morning chores. J cried (which I understand, she had a fever of 102). Her chores were simple, get her clothes on, make her bed, brush her teeth. It wasn't going to kill her - even though she acted like it was.

So after she came down and threw herself to the floor I told her she need to go to the corner and collect herself. L came down to check on her. I sent him back upstairs, very frustrated that he was still in his pajamas and none of his chores done. It had been like 15 minutes. I could feel my chest tighten with frustration. Sometimes dealing with sick kids overwhelms me. Why can't the healthy one just do what he is told and make my life easier? I spouted off some comments about my disappointment. He didn't respond, but just went about his chores.

When J was let off of time-out she went upstairs to find that her brother had made her bed and cleaned her room first. Here I was fuming at the fact that he was disobeying - when in reality he was serving. I was humbled and proud. What a sweet boy with a sweet heart.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. " Proverbs 15:1
L had every right to defend himself against my accusations of being disobedient. He could have come back with a defense, but he was silent. He was respectful and he was creating peace in our home because he knew I was not.

I am humbled. He has been so good picking up the slack of the other kids' chores. Helping without complaint but swift "Yes Ma'ams" and a joyful willingness to help his brother and sister and I just expected it of him. I took those moments for granted instead of praising him. I very easily could have broken his helpful little spirit this morning. I offered my humbled apology and enthusiastic praise and recognition of his wonderful heart. Not but a few minutes later he was helping his sister and hugging his brother.

I am one proud mama.. and thankful the Lord uses my children to teach me, grow me, and cause me to search my heart. Why didn't I think to clean her room for her out of love? Why was I so quick to anger? Why do I ALWAYS justify myself when wrongfully (or rightly for that matter) accused of something instead of being silent?

Time to pray about some things! And praise God for the work He is doing in my son.