The Prayer For Everyday

I'm not sure that I will even post this entry. It depends on if I can convey my heart or not.  I tend to over share to fulfill my need for transparency and yet hold back in the areas that I should really be sharing with others. Sometimes I feel like I am just mental and verbal jumble and all that comes out are the wrong things at the wrong times.  Or maybe it is more that I haven't been able to get my heart right for so long, that I don't know the right things to say anymore.

I've been struggling. A long struggle. Not as long as most and not as painful as others, but it is my struggle.  Losing Ian has been devastating. Still - today I can cry about it. I see his little feet and his little fingers in my mind.  I hold babies the age he would be if our Father had not decided to take him home, and there is a gut wrenching ache.  Duller than before. But just as real.

I allowed it to change me. I don't think I could have stopped it, even if I threw myself into complete denial, I would have been changed.  At first, it made me stronger. More determined to glorify the Lord in my pain, so that I could see how He carried me through once I was on the other side.  But the other side - hasn't come yet. And I lost that determination. And I had lost hope.  And I had lost perspective. And I had lost joy.  And I had lost my peace.

Depression and anxiety have plagued me. Day and night. Insomnia is a friend I can not cut ties with. I type this at 4:30AM having been up since 2. At first insomnia terrified me. Made my anxiety worse. It was the only goal of every waking day - to somehow find sleep at night.  So much so, that it became my idol. I have lost memories, joyful and playful times with my children,  because I have relentlessly pursued sleep.  That is the lamest sounding thing I have ever written.  But it is true.

I pray, I read the word, I trust... I stop.  I start over. There has been no true discipline in my spiritual life anymore. No rock foundation.  Not because God isn't there or because God isn't good, but because my focus has been so turned inward that I have been building everything on the shifting sand of my own emotions.

I have lost so many friendships simply because I stopped trying to maintain them.  I have had a husband who has literally had to hold everything together on his own for so long.  I can get myself out my funk for a few days.. maybe a few weeks.. and then I start to slip again.

Recently I reached a breaking point.  In August I got sick. On top of insomnia and depression, I came down with some funky parasite called Cryptosporidium. Google it.. I hadn't heard of it before either.  I guess it's a big deal.  You get it from some type of contaminated (poo contaminated) water supply. It makes you sick. Sick like to the point of near death.  Sick to where I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. And I was still trying to be a mama and a wife.  Failing! But trying.

About two weeks into my 8ish week torment by this stupid gut bug, I found out I was pregnant. Took 3 tests.. all very positive.  I was sick.. so I decided to hold off on the blood work until I was well enough to travel to the doctor.  Four days later, I miscarried.  It was so early. I had no attachment to the idea of being pregnant.  I was too sick to mourn really.  It just was. 

The next week, 2 of my children were approached by a teenage boy while riding their bikes in front of our house. Our new little house, in our quiet little neighborhood, in the middle of beautiful nowhere. He took them into a house under construction and behaved inappropriately with them (to literally say the very least. I won't go into details, because no charges were brought against him, and for my own children's privacy.) We called the police. A sex crimes detective was assigned to our case, my children had to go and talk to special counselors skilled in getting details of abuse from children. I will tell you my children are beautiful and precious and fine! I was very concerned for awhile. The detectives found that while the 14 year old boy "acted inappropriately", he did nothing illegal. The most frustrating thing about this is they never even interviewed him! Nope, not once. So for the first time in a long time, I got kind of mad at God.

After about 8 weeks I started to feel better. So, I took inventory. What do I need to do? I have been out of commission for so long where do I start?  I'd like to say that I started with prayer or time in the Word, but I didn't.  I started with my own to-do list.  And everyday the list got longer, more daunting. I was behind on school with the kids (we caught up fairly easily). I was behind on chores.  I was completely lacking in any relationships that I had. Not because my friends are bad, not because they don't care or don't try, but because I don't return phone calls or texts and I stay at home.

My husband, that man is a SAINT! He continues to love me unconditionally and be a great dad. He has been dedicated to his kids, and his job, and his looney tunes wife. :)  My kids are busy little bumble bees. Joyful, playful, lovable, sweet, kindhearted, and perfect (Ok.. I am only slightly exaggerating). Even so I am even more of a mess than I was before. 

I am by no means better. I have started seeing a counselor to help with the loss of Ian and the junk I've been dealing with. I have started seeing a new psychiatrist to help me with my depression (judge me if you so chose, but I answer only to the Lord for this). I have started to get back into the word and prayer. But not like I used to. And the biggest change.. I have enrolled my children in school. They start on Monday. My reasoning, this very hard season of my life, doesn't need to be something that affects them. I want them to learn and laugh and play and not remember mommy like this.

Why post this? I don't know. Like I said.. I over share.  But as I lay awake tonight I thought.. THE END! I am ending this chapter of emotional exhaustion in my life.  This fighting God for control of my heart and thoughts and time.

Prayer hasn't just been flowing like it used to. Or my communication with God.  It seems broken down on my end.  I know He is right there. He has shown me over and over in the last week more times than I can recall!  He is constantly proving Himself faithful and with purpose, even when I have allowed my life not to be.

This an entry from my prayer journal. My most recent entry. I need to pray it everyday.

Dear Lord,
I praise your precious name. I humble myself in your presence Lord. I repent of all evil that I willingly do and that which I do that is against you in my ignorance.
I praise you Lord for you are JUST! Who will not fear you, Lord. and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before you. For you are righteous deeds have been revealed (Rev 15:3,4).
Praise you that I am made right when I believe Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. You are fair and just and allow sinners to be made right (Rom 3:25-26).
Father, you are righteous and your regulations are fair. Your laws are perfect and completely trustworthy (Psalm 119:137-138).
Lord, I confess my sin of complacency , of rebellion to you and to your ways. I confess my evil thoughts and sinful selfish desires. I confess my self indulgence and lack of discipline. I confess a heart cold to you with apathy towards others. I repent Lord, and I know you are just and faithful to forgive me and cleanse me (1 John 1:9).
Thank you Lord for holding me together while I was trying to tear myself apart with both hands. Thank you for children who sing your praises and desire to know your character. Be real to them. Be real in ME. Thank you for a husband who is being moved by you. Called closer to you than ever before in spite of his the burdens he shares with me. Thank you for food, shelter, money, love, church, friends and your Word made alive by your Son.
Father, help me be mind-full of you. Help me to seek to please you. Put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise for you so that many will learn of this and be amazed, so they will trust in you. (Psalm 40:3)
In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen
 

There is hope in the Lord!  He makes all things new! He never leaves you or forsakes you! He stands at the door and knocks!

 

Struggling

Today is Ian's due date. I hurt. I am anxious. I am grieving. I am hopeful that the God of comfort will meet me where I am and pour out His love on me today, because I so desperately need it.

When I am hurting He is there:

"I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you." Psalm 139:7-12

And He cares and will use it for His GLORY:

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. " 2 Cor 1:3-5


"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

From my Beth Moore study I am affirming these things today:
God IS who He says He is
God CAN do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things in Christ
God's word is alive and active in me
I'M BELIEVING GOD!

A Name Means Closure

I don't know if there will ever really be closure, other than the day I hug him in heaven. But a few weeks back I went to counseling and it was suggested to me that we name the baby. It has been amazing how naming the baby has eased the pain. Somehow it has wrapped up the tiny little bundle in all our love. Making it so that he was no longer a nameless thing, but my boy. My precious little man that I will only know the other side of this life.

And so we have named him Ian Jeffrey. Ian meaning "God is Gracious".

As we pray for another child and live with the loss that feels so fresh in our hearts, we must remember that GOD IS GRACIOUS.

On Borrowed Time

Trying to keep perspective this morning. Taking a shower and mourning the loss of my precious little life. It happens briefly from time to time. Rather than dwell in the pain and aching heart, I have been trying to replace my thoughts. This morning it was a matter of perspective.

The last couple years have been full of extreme ups and downs, and at times more overwhelming than I thought that my heart could bare, but God has faithfully seen me through. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in a downward thought spiral, poor me I lost a baby, poor me I have had failing health, poor me I have battled depression and anxiety, poor me...

But in reality JOYFUL am I - I lose sight of the fact that I am on borrowed time.

Nearly 10 years ago now I went to the urgent care complaining of a side cramp. I NEVER went to the doctor, let alone for a cramp, but I found myself there. The doctor discovered a large mass under the right side of my rib cage and sent me for an immediate CATscan. The results were shocking. I had a mass that was the size of my entire abdomen. The first doctor said it could require a full hysterectomy - I got a second opinion. I was getting married in 4 months - I wanted a family. Surgery was required and ASAP.

I was scared. I remember laying my head on my mom's lap and just sobbing, "I don't want to die." I had never had surgery before and this seemed like a big deal. Since they didn't really know what was going on it was terrifying. Mom brushed her hand over my head and said, "Angelina, you are not going to die, God has plans for you." I believed her.

I remember waking up from the anesthesia, Jeff and my parents and his parents by my side. The next thing I remembered was the doctor telling me that they had taken my left ovary. WAIT! NO!..my insides screamed. I knew they were taking my right one but my left one too. Later I found out that the mass they felt up under my right ribs was attached to my left ovary. It was 5 pounds and full. They said it was like a large orange. They had to make an incision from my belly button to my pubic area to pull it out and it almost didn't fit. But there was more news. There had been a cyst on my other ovary as well and they had to take part of that too. We were 20 years old, barely, and were going to have to start trying got get pregnant as soon as we were married since there was only a 20% chance we could conceive and odds were fertility treatments would be needed.

Then the doctor looked at my mom and I and told us the pathology came back. The cyst they removed was full of cancer. Had it leaked or burst I would have died. The doctor said I would have died within the next year had it not been found. That meant before my 21st birthday.

And here I sit. Typing on my borrowed time. God has a plan for me. Jeff and I have been able to conceive 5 times and have 3 beautiful children. I have been given a new life and family on time I may never have had. There is no poor me! Only THANKFUL me! BLESSED me! Me who needs to keep perspective and be thankful for this day, because it may never have been.

An Anniversary

Today is anniversary that I wish I could forget.  But I know that God's goodness will prevail.  It is 2 months since I held my beautiful little boy in my hands.  Since I cried that cry I never want to cry again.  Yet I sit here in tears. The snotty tears, the kind that begin in my gut and and cause my whole body to tighten up with pain.  I know God is good.  I know God is faithful, but it hurts. 

My sweet little ones feet were not nearly as big as these.  They were but a fraction of an inch.  They were still translucent and a soft.  I got to touch them.  I got to count the toes. I got see his ribs and hold him.  I should have held him longer.  I should have kissed him.  But I didn't and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.

Today I am broken.  I didn't expect it to hit me so hard.  I didn't expect to cry so hard I can't breathe.  So many women I know are pregnant and due around the same time I was and it tortures my soul.  I am not saying I don't trust God - PLEASE don't be mistaken.  I am just saying that I need prayer today.  Thank you. 

*As I finished typing this my daughter came to the top of the stairs and looked down at me. "Are you crying?"  I couldn't answer.  She ran to me.  Threw her arms around me and held me. "We can pray God gives us a new baby mommy. It's okay." Her sweet little hands touch my face and brush my hair. "It's okay mommy. We will pray to God for a new baby.  And if He doesn't give us one right now we will pray again.  It's okay."  She holds me he her little arms.  I am blessed.

Words Don't Do It Justice

My heart hurts. It has been over 3 weeks and it still hurts. Four weeks ago I went for my 13 week checkup and discovered our precious little baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was there alone, my husband at work, and my kids with a friend. Tears streamed silently down my face as the doctor explained my options. The timing was awful; we were closing on our new house in 3 days and starting the moving process. I couldn’t be out of commission and leave my husband to do all the work. I told the doctor I would discuss it with my husband and get back to her, but that I would like to have a D&C, just not until after our move. So we planned to do the D&C in 8 days. The doctor felt that since the baby had passed away a week and a half prior, my body wouldn’t do anything before then.

We closed on our house, and the day was bitter sweet. The next morning we went over to the new house to put in fans and build a trampoline for the kids. I bent down to help hold a piece of trampoline in place and a gush of water came out. Weird, I thought, not understanding what was happening. I bent down again – just a few seconds later and a bigger gush. “I just peed” I told my husband and ran to the bathroom. There was another gush of water and then…. it laid there. A tiny, lifeless body. I held it and started screaming. I didn’t know what to do. It was a scream that came from the depths of my soul.

A little one laid on the palm of my hand. Head to toe he (I’m pretty sure) fit perfectly in my palm. He had eyes, a nose, a mouth. All 10 fingers and toes. He was perfect..

I bled.. a lot. I thought it was normal. Turns out when I went to the hospital it wasn’t normal. I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know it. Nurses went in and out of the room. The doctor did her work. I felt like I was going to die… my arms went numb my legs went numb. I started to lose consciousness. Jeff held my hand and I was afraid. Nurses cried. I cried.

Jeff had handed over the baby when we got there. I should have held it more. Talked to him. Prayed over him. But I was in shock. My mom had come down to watch the kids and my friend Anastasia had sat with me and cried and encouraged me before I had left for the hospital. My mom prayed over him, I had just cried.

My husband has been amazing. He holds me when I cry and loves me in between. Some days are harder than others, but I’m still not healed. It still hurts.. like my heart my actually break inside my chest. My children know, and understand as much as you can when you are 7,5 and 4. They bring me joy and pray for me when I am sad. A few nights ago J wiped my tears and sat with me on my bed.

I want to have more energy and more joy, but I don’t right now. I am severely anemic from the birth and have to go and have iron administered through an IV this week. I trust God – FULLY AND COMPLETELY.. but it still aches. I don’t question why it happened, it isn’t my place to. I just trust. But it is an interesting mix of emotions, trust and agonizing pain. They don’t seem like they could co-exist but they do. I know God is good.