My Sweeties!

My Humbling Moment

So at our house - there has been sickness for a few days. High fevers, coughs and runny noses. Just when I thought the fevers were gone, they would spike again. One time reaching 106.8 - well that one time being last night. So I loaded up the two little sickies and took them to the ER. J and M both got nose swabs for the flu and chest x-rays.

The doc came back and said, "Well neither one has the flu. BUT.. both have pneumonia." So they were prescribed antibiotics and sent home. I knew they must have been miserable because they put themselves down for naps yesterday AND they were so well-behaved at the hospital. I got lots of compliments. I knew the lethargy and fevers were the cause of their quiet and sweet manner, but I just graciously accepted the compliments. Hey - I enjoyed my moment of looking like a great mom :D.

Anyway.. these are the faces of my sickly children.

And this one below, he is the one that did a work on my heart this morning.

I sent all the children upstairs to do their morning chores. J cried (which I understand, she had a fever of 102). Her chores were simple, get her clothes on, make her bed, brush her teeth. It wasn't going to kill her - even though she acted like it was.

So after she came down and threw herself to the floor I told her she need to go to the corner and collect herself. L came down to check on her. I sent him back upstairs, very frustrated that he was still in his pajamas and none of his chores done. It had been like 15 minutes. I could feel my chest tighten with frustration. Sometimes dealing with sick kids overwhelms me. Why can't the healthy one just do what he is told and make my life easier? I spouted off some comments about my disappointment. He didn't respond, but just went about his chores.

When J was let off of time-out she went upstairs to find that her brother had made her bed and cleaned her room first. Here I was fuming at the fact that he was disobeying - when in reality he was serving. I was humbled and proud. What a sweet boy with a sweet heart.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. " Proverbs 15:1
L had every right to defend himself against my accusations of being disobedient. He could have come back with a defense, but he was silent. He was respectful and he was creating peace in our home because he knew I was not.

I am humbled. He has been so good picking up the slack of the other kids' chores. Helping without complaint but swift "Yes Ma'ams" and a joyful willingness to help his brother and sister and I just expected it of him. I took those moments for granted instead of praising him. I very easily could have broken his helpful little spirit this morning. I offered my humbled apology and enthusiastic praise and recognition of his wonderful heart. Not but a few minutes later he was helping his sister and hugging his brother.

I am one proud mama.. and thankful the Lord uses my children to teach me, grow me, and cause me to search my heart. Why didn't I think to clean her room for her out of love? Why was I so quick to anger? Why do I ALWAYS justify myself when wrongfully (or rightly for that matter) accused of something instead of being silent?

Time to pray about some things! And praise God for the work He is doing in my son.

Picture Day

Today we played camera.

So this is what me and the kidgets looked like this morning. Of course Jeff was off at work.

An Anniversary

Today is anniversary that I wish I could forget.  But I know that God's goodness will prevail.  It is 2 months since I held my beautiful little boy in my hands.  Since I cried that cry I never want to cry again.  Yet I sit here in tears. The snotty tears, the kind that begin in my gut and and cause my whole body to tighten up with pain.  I know God is good.  I know God is faithful, but it hurts. 

My sweet little ones feet were not nearly as big as these.  They were but a fraction of an inch.  They were still translucent and a soft.  I got to touch them.  I got to count the toes. I got see his ribs and hold him.  I should have held him longer.  I should have kissed him.  But I didn't and I will live with that regret for the rest of my life.

Today I am broken.  I didn't expect it to hit me so hard.  I didn't expect to cry so hard I can't breathe.  So many women I know are pregnant and due around the same time I was and it tortures my soul.  I am not saying I don't trust God - PLEASE don't be mistaken.  I am just saying that I need prayer today.  Thank you. 

*As I finished typing this my daughter came to the top of the stairs and looked down at me. "Are you crying?"  I couldn't answer.  She ran to me.  Threw her arms around me and held me. "We can pray God gives us a new baby mommy. It's okay." Her sweet little hands touch my face and brush my hair. "It's okay mommy. We will pray to God for a new baby.  And if He doesn't give us one right now we will pray again.  It's okay."  She holds me he her little arms.  I am blessed.

He Restores

My heart aches as I replay conversations with friends I have had over the past few days. Life is hard. It has unexpected and almost unbearable moments. There is deep sorrow, agonizing pain, paralyzing fears, and crippling shame. Thankfully a sweet friend reminded me today that it is also SHORT!

In what will feel like no time passed we will be in eternity. A place for those who loved Jesus to be free of the troubles of this world. The pain of this world. The hurt of this world. This disappointment of this world. The hopelessness of this world. We will be in a place of wonder, peace, comfort, love, justice, HOLINESS. The troubles that are so pressing here, the ones that strangle us and choke the life out of us at times, will be no more.

The last year of my life has been chaos. A marriage in shambles and relationships broken, yet God restored. A baby so desperately wanted, to only be held in my hand for moments and then taken away, yet God restores. Anxieties so overwhelming that I couldn't function or breathe, and yet God restores.

Now I am in place of peace.. a place ONLY found in Him. Because I seek Him, because I cling to Him, because I realize how desperate I am for Him. In this place I have been praising Him for all the restoration in my life. Things only He can do!

Who can heal relationships that have shipwrecked? Who can mend hearts crushed by the devastation of losing a child? Who can calm the storms that rage within a person's soul? How are those things explained apart from the miraculous and loving hand of God?

The question I keep asking myself is one that I taught my kids in Sunday school this week. What am I going to do with my second chance(s)? How am I going to live out a life of thankfulness and gratitude? The answer I am finding is that I am going to continue to surrender. I need to surrender my thoughts, my wants, my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my husband, my children, my friendships, my every moment to Christ. To be obedient in the big and the small. To TRUST God by actually trusting God. Not doubting that He is who He has proven Himself to be.

I need to step up my game. I am tired of Satan winning. I am tired of watching families be torn apart. I am tired of watching people I love be tormented by mind games that Satan plays. I am tired of watching Christians be paralyzed by complacency and comfort. I am tired of not being strong enough to make a difference. I am tired of not being who God made me to be because the world drowns out my passion and makes me weary with the hardships of this life.

This world is a blip when put in light of eternity. Too much is at risk for me to be passive anymore. Too much hangs in the balance for me to not take full advantage of my second chance. So I am going to be much more proactive about my faith. I WILL be on my knees - literally my knees - for the families that Satan is trying to pull apart. I WILL be on my knees for the sick in health and the sick in spirit. I WILL pray for those who don't have the strength to pray for themselves. I WILL be in the WORD daily.. because how can I adequately live out THANKS to Him if I don't spend TIME with Him.

AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED! Shame will cripple me NO MORE!

He has restored me for a purpose and I want to live out that purpose fully!