I've been struggling. A long struggle. Not as long as most and not as painful as others, but it is my struggle. Losing Ian has been devastating. Still - today I can cry about it. I see his little feet and his little fingers in my mind. I hold babies the age he would be if our Father had not decided to take him home, and there is a gut wrenching ache. Duller than before. But just as real.
I allowed it to change me. I don't think I could have stopped it, even if I threw myself into complete denial, I would have been changed. At first, it made me stronger. More determined to glorify the Lord in my pain, so that I could see how He carried me through once I was on the other side. But the other side - hasn't come yet. And I lost that determination. And I had lost hope. And I had lost perspective. And I had lost joy. And I had lost my peace.
Depression and anxiety have plagued me. Day and night. Insomnia is a friend I can not cut ties with. I type this at 4:30AM having been up since 2. At first insomnia terrified me. Made my anxiety worse. It was the only goal of every waking day - to somehow find sleep at night. So much so, that it became my idol. I have lost memories, joyful and playful times with my children, because I have relentlessly pursued sleep. That is the lamest sounding thing I have ever written. But it is true.
I pray, I read the word, I trust... I stop. I start over. There has been no true discipline in my spiritual life anymore. No rock foundation. Not because God isn't there or because God isn't good, but because my focus has been so turned inward that I have been building everything on the shifting sand of my own emotions.
I have lost so many friendships simply because I stopped trying to maintain them. I have had a husband who has literally had to hold everything together on his own for so long. I can get myself out my funk for a few days.. maybe a few weeks.. and then I start to slip again.
Recently I reached a breaking point. In August I got sick. On top of insomnia and depression, I came down with some funky parasite called Cryptosporidium. Google it.. I hadn't heard of it before either. I guess it's a big deal. You get it from some type of contaminated (poo contaminated) water supply. It makes you sick. Sick like to the point of near death. Sick to where I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. And I was still trying to be a mama and a wife. Failing! But trying.
About two weeks into my 8ish week torment by this stupid gut bug, I found out I was pregnant. Took 3 tests.. all very positive. I was sick.. so I decided to hold off on the blood work until I was well enough to travel to the doctor. Four days later, I miscarried. It was so early. I had no attachment to the idea of being pregnant. I was too sick to mourn really. It just was.
The next week, 2 of my children were approached by a teenage boy while riding their bikes in front of our house. Our new little house, in our quiet little neighborhood, in the middle of beautiful nowhere. He took them into a house under construction and behaved inappropriately with them (to literally say the very least. I won't go into details, because no charges were brought against him, and for my own children's privacy.) We called the police. A sex crimes detective was assigned to our case, my children had to go and talk to special counselors skilled in getting details of abuse from children. I will tell you my children are beautiful and precious and fine! I was very concerned for awhile. The detectives found that while the 14 year old boy "acted inappropriately", he did nothing illegal. The most frustrating thing about this is they never even interviewed him! Nope, not once. So for the first time in a long time, I got kind of mad at God.
After about 8 weeks I started to feel better. So, I took inventory. What do I need to do? I have been out of commission for so long where do I start? I'd like to say that I started with prayer or time in the Word, but I didn't. I started with my own to-do list. And everyday the list got longer, more daunting. I was behind on school with the kids (we caught up fairly easily). I was behind on chores. I was completely lacking in any relationships that I had. Not because my friends are bad, not because they don't care or don't try, but because I don't return phone calls or texts and I stay at home.
My husband, that man is a SAINT! He continues to love me unconditionally and be a great dad. He has been dedicated to his kids, and his job, and his looney tunes wife. :) My kids are busy little bumble bees. Joyful, playful, lovable, sweet, kindhearted, and perfect (Ok.. I am only slightly exaggerating). Even so I am even more of a mess than I was before.
I am by no means better. I have started seeing a counselor to help with the loss of Ian and the junk I've been dealing with. I have started seeing a new psychiatrist to help me with my depression (judge me if you so chose, but I answer only to the Lord for this). I have started to get back into the word and prayer. But not like I used to. And the biggest change.. I have enrolled my children in school. They start on Monday. My reasoning, this very hard season of my life, doesn't need to be something that affects them. I want them to learn and laugh and play and not remember mommy like this.
Why post this? I don't know. Like I said.. I over share. But as I lay awake tonight I thought.. THE END! I am ending this chapter of emotional exhaustion in my life. This fighting God for control of my heart and thoughts and time.
Prayer hasn't just been flowing like it used to. Or my communication with God. It seems broken down on my end. I know He is right there. He has shown me over and over in the last week more times than I can recall! He is constantly proving Himself faithful and with purpose, even when I have allowed my life not to be.
This an entry from my prayer journal. My most recent entry. I need to pray it everyday.
Dear Lord,
I praise your precious name. I humble myself in your presence Lord. I repent of all evil that I willingly do and that which I do that is against you in my ignorance.
I praise you Lord for you are JUST! Who will not fear you, Lord. and glorify your name? For you alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before you. For you are righteous deeds have been revealed (Rev 15:3,4).
Praise you that I am made right when I believe Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. You are fair and just and allow sinners to be made right (Rom 3:25-26).
Father, you are righteous and your regulations are fair. Your laws are perfect and completely trustworthy (Psalm 119:137-138).
Lord, I confess my sin of complacency , of rebellion to you and to your ways. I confess my evil thoughts and sinful selfish desires. I confess my self indulgence and lack of discipline. I confess a heart cold to you with apathy towards others. I repent Lord, and I know you are just and faithful to forgive me and cleanse me (1 John 1:9).
Thank you Lord for holding me together while I was trying to tear myself apart with both hands. Thank you for children who sing your praises and desire to know your character. Be real to them. Be real in ME. Thank you for a husband who is being moved by you. Called closer to you than ever before in spite of his the burdens he shares with me. Thank you for food, shelter, money, love, church, friends and your Word made alive by your Son.
Father, help me be mind-full of you. Help me to seek to please you. Put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise for you so that many will learn of this and be amazed, so they will trust in you. (Psalm 40:3)
In the Holy name of Jesus, Amen
There is hope in the Lord! He makes all things new! He never leaves you or forsakes you! He stands at the door and knocks!
